my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m literally crying
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.