Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.