A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…