Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
True
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.