Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.