[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come