I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
breakfast, the most important beer of the day