[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Where is your GOD now????
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
That’s amazing.