it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.