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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.