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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?