I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.