Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?