My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent