My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
beware of dog
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
For the baby who has everything
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend