Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
This is a sub tweet
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs