The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.