[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Yup
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way