Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.