People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
yeah not falling for this one
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.