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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.