[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’d love this…lol
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
just gave your address to some spiders
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”