83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…