My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Best mom ever 😂
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Hmmmmm
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT