“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I can’t wait!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist