Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …