just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
You Might Also Like
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Happy Febuary everyone!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what