[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?