me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
One venti cheeseburger please.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.