screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Bill is short for Billiam
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.