My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.