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If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs