My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
🐕🍷
How wrong was this guy?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way