A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
You Might Also Like
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.