What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.