When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Smile they said.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face