those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow