ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.