They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The days of good grammer has went
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.