Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.