You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
You Might Also Like
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.