I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You Might Also Like
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Ooh I do like a good funnel
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.