I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Raisins are grape jerky.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
gentlemen, hear me out
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.