Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again