whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
*gets down on one knee*
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing