I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Good advice.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask