My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine