WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.