We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?