Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Well, shit
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing